Dr. Solomon Aspic, DDS,
Chairman of the Board,
Alsatian-American Society for the Prevention of Orthodontia
That you have fallen victim to paranoid delusions is not surprising, given your tendency towards overexcitement. That you have been made a dupe in Inkling’s latest charade is not surprising either, given the bearer who brought you the news of his bogus demise. Remarking on the silver Mercedes pulling away from your offices and noting a loud howling sound not characteristic of your patients emanating from your consulting rooms, I put two and two together and deduced that Mrs. Agnes Sophia Hergrapenshfeiner-Inkling had been to see you. Fortunately I was able to wedge myself under the dashboard of my car as she drove by so I did not have to repeat the painful process of looking at her once again.
To say that Mme. Hergrapenshfeiner-Inkling looks good in black is like saying that the Pacific ocean is somewhat larger than a duck. Her figure describes a set of curves that would have made Euclid rethink the whole business. Her tanned physique is so firm that when she bends over to tie her shoes she squeaks like foam rubber. I knew her as a comely youth and I called her “Little Agnes,” but when she visited my office on a financial matter, days before her wedding, my mind was so twisted by her unbearable pulchritude I found myself inadvertently making love to my receptionist moments after her departure. Out of sheer embarrassment I was forced to carry on a long, tawdry and expensive affair with this temp of Finnish extraction. A man’s first impulse on seeing Agnes Sophia is to make love to her twenty times. His second is to give her things. I once had to extract her family from a most embarrassing incident when Agnes received an emirate after posing for an impromptu publicity picture. The deed to your house is in the mail. She found it in her handbag and gave it to my secretary while I hid under the rug.
Inkling is practically a satyr but Agnes was too much even for him. My sources in Zermatt tell me that elements of the Korean women’s ski team have gone missing and the smell of East Asian barbecue has been emanating from the direction of a remote chalet. I think we can assume that Inkling is in hiding, ravishing oriental sportifs and waiting for his tumescence to subside. One can only guess who found his way into all those capsules, but before the incident Mr. K.K.B. Bang was spotted at a local fruit stand and has since vanished.
Hoping your tumescence has subsided,
yours as ever,
Alonzo T. Corduroy, Jr. (Mrs.) (Jr.)